Sunday, March 7, 2010

Never second guess yourself

That is what I have learned with this whole process. This morning I was looking at my blog and still wondering how I could get it out there for others to see. So I tried to search for it and of course came up empty. One site that always comes up is Dog Cancer Blog that I have listed in my helpful links. I decided to leave a comment on there with my blog. As I looked further into the other comments all of sudden I was feeling comforted. Not by the fact that other people are suffering with the same decision we had to make. The idea that we were not alone in it was what was comforting. All that time before Sam died I was searching and searching for someone else who didn't amputate and came up empty. I sincerely felt like we were the only ones not giving our dog a fighting chance. As I have said before, we are at peace with the decisions we made for Sam. We were blessed to have him in our lives for as long as possible. He had a great life.

There are so many comments on the Dog Cancer Blog of people asking how do you know? or what should I do? These questions are the reason I decided to this blog in the first place. I truly hope these people who are looking for answers will find me. I know our situation was only one of millions, but each one is just as heartbreaking as the next. No matter what you decide for your own dog I believe you have to be at peace with it. That's the only way you can go on.

The other thing I am doing this morning is eating waffles for breakfast. Waffles were Sam's favorite breakfast food. We always made sure we had enough to make one more for him in the end. Today I eat my waffles in honor of him. Here's to you pal!

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Coming Home

One week and a day have passed. I got the call this morning that I have tried to put in the back of mind but knew was coming. Sam's ashes were ready to be picked up whenever I was ready to go get them. Are you ever really ready to do that? In my mind I went back and forth do I go now or wait another day. Finally after a few minutes, I decided Sam needed to come home. Today.

Off I went with the radio on to distract me from where I was going and what I was about to do. I was fine until I saw someone else had signed in their pet whose name happened to be Sam. The women behind the desk were very kind but a few avoided eye contact. Then the box came out. It was much heavier than I expected and bigger. I barely made it out the door and into the van before I lost it. I had to admit, it felt good just to release all those emotions.

For the past few days I have been in pretty good spirits. All of his stuff is either packed away or set aside for someone to come pick up. The last things to be moved were his dishes. Everyday you walk in the house and there they are. I liked having them there because it looked like he had just gotten done eating and was probably in laying on his bed. I hadn't even emptied out the water that had been in there since he last took a drink. I finally convinced myself yesterday that it was just water. My husband thinks we should do something with his bowls, like plant flowers or cactus in them. For now, they are in the garage. Out of sight, but never quite out of mind.

In my next post I will wrap up my three part series of Getting to Know Sam. I will post about his time in California.